Thursday, July 7, 2011

Finding my way through the wilderness to God

Alright... I know... I have neglected my blog for several weeks. Ok... maybe more than several. I tried to write 3 times but never felt satisfied enough with the result to publish it. Truth is, I didn't know if I could be encouraging to anyone with the crazy ridiculous anger, sadness, and frustration going on within me since I graduated at the end of May. Lots of messiness, feeling let down, betrayed, hurt, lost, missing my sister so much I could barely see straight, my family seemingly falling apart right in front of my face, getting rejected a series of times, moving away from the one place I feel safe, and asking time and time again, "God, REALLY?! I mean... REALLY?! Come on!"

Let me just tell you... when you call out to God like this, you get answers. While this might have been one of the worst months of my life, I will say the Lord is teaching me something about strength that I never understood before. He brought me to the end of my rope. And guess what: He met me there.

Many of you reading this may have been in a place similar to what I've felt. I have never wanted to disappear more in my life. I'm tired of the mess. I'm exhausted from missing Nikki. I'm tired of bad news. I'm tired of being misunderstood and accused of manipulation and deliberate disrespect from someone I love. I'm tired of being abandoned when I need presence. So, I threw my hands in the air, sat on the ground, screamed at the top of my lungs, and found some much needed silence in my heart. Slowly (really slowly), God is answering me. He is fixing this. Just not in the way I thought. He says, "Kate, you need Me. Plain and simple."

If you are thinking "Umm Hello... Of course it is Christ. Duh.", I would totally understand. However, the Enemy is crafty! When despair is knocking at you on all sides, it is hard to remember something so beautiful and loving. The Spirit is reminding me of the beauty of my heart. He rejoices over his Creation and His children. While I can be a real pest sometimes, He is doing great things through my life and to deny those things would be to discredit the work of Christ. He is teaching me to praise Him in this storm! I have heard His voice so clearly on so many occasions these past few weeks- through my music, my job, my precious sisters in Christ (YALL ARE CHRIST'S LOUDSPEAKERS- THANK YOU!), books, devotional time with sweet Em, the various groups of people that helped get this new house in shape, the countless prayers lifted up on my behalf, my Church Family- here in the Lou and in Jax- I love you!

I wanted to share something that convicted me and helped me to move into a new perspective. This is from "The Path of Loneliness":
"I know Isaiah's faith. Faced with the truth of the unknown self, so disquieting in its strangeness, Isaiah knew where to turn. Standing in the Uncreated Light he knew himself to be naked, guilty, and powerless. There was nothing for him to do but to cast himself on God's mercy. And mercy met him, not with sympathy but with cleansing fire. It takes the fire of God to cleanse our hearts of selfishness in all its subtle forms. Even loneliness may be a form of selfishness. One can reject friendship when it is not offered on the terms one chooses. One can reject the grace of God as Naaman the leper came perilously close to doing because it was not offered with the kind of ceremony he felt befitted his station. One can magnify his loneliness out of all proportion, as though he suffered something that is not common to man, forgetting that "this is life"- not more, not less. One can draw about himself a thick quilt of self- pity and isolate himself in other ways, but if one turns the loneliness into solitude and the solitude into prayer, there is release. It may require a willingness to be burned if burning is necessary as it was for Isaiah, but there is forgiveness and cleansing and peace. In Isaiah's case, this was followed by God's call for a volunteer to work for Him. With a heart at leisure now from itself, Isaiah could answer, "Here I am. Send me." The heart which has no agenda but God's is the heart at leisure from itself. Its emptiness is filled with the Love of God. Its solitude can be turned into prayer." EE

Lord, here is my loneliness. Here is my pain. It is yours. Do with it what you will. I am at your mercy to grow and be taught what it means to love others the way you do. Help me to know the depth of your love for me and my worth in your Word. I pray this broken post helps us all to know you more intimately in the midst of tough decisions and painful places. We are yours, Father! Send us out to do your work in our daily lives! Lord, keep reminding me. Keep speaking. Help me to continue to be teachable. Mold me into the woman you created me to be by keeping me still and finding peace in solitude and prayer!

Elliot is right- this is life. This is my life. He is inviting me to join him in an incredible adventure. Out of the fire, He is writing the most beautiful chapter in my life to date. Stay tuned! In the meantime, keep me undated on your own adventures!

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