Monday, November 1, 2010

I began this blog in an attempt to engage my heart with the suffering that the Lord has brought me through these past few months. My beloved sister, Nikki went to be with our Lord on June 21, 2010. Since then, I have been learning about grief and how my life is changing because of it. The loss of my sister has altered the course of my life, forever changing the dreams I had before the accident. It happened. She died when I thought life was just getting started. Death interrupted and changed everything. Yet, somehow, there is light- and it is shining in the depths of the darkness. Somehow, Christ has taken my hand, letting me curl up on His lap, and is whispering to me how He will never leave me. Never. He gives me the power to grow up- to continue sharing about His love with other sinners. He is dearly loving me and it is amazing.
I do not believe I lost my sister in order that I might change for the better. I still want her back. I still want to laugh and cry with her like before. I do believe, however, that Christ is taking this part of my story to show me what grace is all about and it is changing my heart, transforming me into the woman He created me to be. He has taken death and is giving it life.
I have never felt so much pain as I have in the last several months. Never have I been so aware of my weakness and vulnerability; yet never have I felt so secure and protected. My soul is stretching. It is being kneaded and molded into something beautiful. I am becoming aware of the power of God’s grace and my absolute need and dependence upon it. Praise God, for it is giving me the courage to share the gospel with my family with a boldness that I never knew I had in me, and it is allowing me to cry out with tears of joy of the glory that is coming... AND IT IS COMING- with a fire and passion that will forever change everything! God will continue to extend His presence that I feel now into all of eternity. He is growing my soul and filling it with Himself. Jerry Sittser, another fellow believer that has suffered catastrophic loss writes, “Loss can diminish us, but it can also expand us. It depends, once again, on the choices we make and the grace we receive. Loss can function as a catalyst to transform us. It can lead us to God, the only One who has the desire and power to give us life.” Grace is blowing my world wide open- what a gift to have all of you, sweet community of believers banding together in one of my darkest moments.
Thank you to all of you who continue to lift me up in prayer. Thank you for your kindness, your tender hugs, and your willingness to step into this mess with me. It is going to be a long road ahead, but I am less afraid knowing you are all on this road with me, letting Christ be our guide. I pray that God uses my story to help shape His work in your stories. Praise God, for He is alive. Believe it, for He is working! For those of you that are also experiencing deep pain and loss, hold tight to the Lover of your Heart. He is there with you.


  1. It's a privilege to walk with you, sister.

    Much Love.

  2. God works in mysterious ways. Missing you and Nikki! Sending much love. See you soon? Thanksgiving?

  3. Please read "A Grace Disguised" by Jerry Sittser- I was heavily influenced by him. He taught me a lot about this process!